Meet the New Year, Same as the Old Year

By golly, this blog thing is more taxing than I'd first imagined. I'd forgotten the hellish ordeal I'd let myself in for. Still, this post will, I trust, show my continued, if half-hearted, devotion to the cause.

So we find ourselves tipped over the precipice of a new year. Good ol' 2012. (Side note: I stolidly pronounce the year "twenty-twelve," not "two-thousand, twelve." It was, after all, "nineteen-twelve," not "one-thousand, nine-hundred, and twelve."
I spent New Year's Eve among thugs, wastrels, liars, perverts, and other assorted co-workers. A fun time was had by all. The night was as all New Year's Eves have been there: daunting, intense, but ultimately smooth and satisfying. (That kinda sounded like a cigarette ad, huh?). The bar stayed far busier than in past years, and I was actually unable to even see the ball drop, so dense was the crowd of revelers.
I imbibed only two glasses of red wine and a single flute of champagne, but my schoolgirl alcohol tolerance was overcome by those few libations and I proceeded to get a little frisky, as Wholley calls it. By the end of the evening I had pulled off my shirt and was bedecked with silver tinsel left over from a birthday party which occurred in the restaurant that evening, my lips red from wine. Melissa gave me a stinging slap across my washer board stomach, and I must admit I liked it. So, matching my red lips was a vibrant red hand print on my abs. I think Jamie liked the picture we sent her.

But, anyway, it's a new year. I have spent the first two days of it in a caffeine-deprived stupor.  I have had little to no energy and feel as though my head is being slowly crushed in a vice. It has made sticking to my resolutions nearly impossible - save, ironically for giving up caffeine, which landed me in this mess. However! I resolve now to live-up to the unreasonable standards I've set for myself for the new year. I shall list them here so that the public may know on how many aspects of self-improvement I perpetually fail over the coming three-hundred, sixty-four days.

And, without further ado, Da List:

-I resolve to go to the gym at least once every day.
-I will update my blog every day.
-I will write a letter to a friend every week.
-I will fast every Sunday.

Those are the do's. Here are the do-not's:

-No more starches, confectionery sweets, or chocolate. *Gasp, even chocolate? But, it's good for you, and you love it! you'll say. I realize this. But what good would it be for me to give up something I dislike?
-No lying. Yes, indeed. No more fibbing, no more hedging, no more stretching the truth. Absolute honesty in all things.
-No gossipping, nor talking about people behind their backs. This one will be especially difficult in the restaurant world.
-No more Facebook. Yep. I'm done.

There you have it. Game on, 2012.